Ah the ol’ New Years post, she’s a popular little minx. Since we’re already more than a week into 2016, it’s clear I considered, opted out, and then reconsidered whether or not to write something.
But alas I think January 9th still falls into the realm of, “New Year” so I’m going for it!
A new year brings with it many things – new beginnings, new ambitions, new dreams, new lessons to be learned, and new tired clichés of all of the former in script writing all over Instagram.
I’ve never been one for resolutions. And that’s not to say I don’t get why people do it. It’s easy to look back on the year prior and cringe at something you wish you didn’t do, or something you wish you had done better. You hurt someone or you ignored all the red flags and got dumped; you made all the mistakes and then ate your feelings. You continued to treat your treadmill with the kind of suspicion usually reserved for passing tall strangers in dark alleys.
So BAM! January 1st hits at it’s all, “This is going to be MY year.” We’re all going to eat less chips and more spinach, drink more green juice and less wine. We’re going to climb a mountain, volunteer our time, run a marathon, save a gimpy 3-legged dog from a fire, learn the ancient language of Latin, and stop annoyingly re-posting Instagram photos from @thefatjewish because EVERYONE has already seen them and knows you’re unoriginal. We’re going to make more time for family and spend less time worrying about work.
Then January 15th hits, we trade in the bottle of juice, pick up a bottle of wine, and we’re all left as failures, stewing in our self-created disappointment.
Until now, my resolutions- if I’ve bothered to make any- have always been very vague and, intentionally, rather easily achieved. Things like:
- Don’t die this year
- Try to occasionally act your age
- Consume something green in color at least 4 times a week (apple Jolly Ranchers obviously count)
- Stop making sweet sweet love to Pizza at 3am every.single.time.you.drink.
Sure, it makes it really easy to be successful (still alive and eating kale like a smug little champ), but it doesn’t give you much to measure this success against.
So this year, I’m going to Bucket List the shit out of 2016. And watch out kids, because things are about to get SPECIFIC.
1. Branch out and follow a recipe every once and awhile.
It is a known fact (because my parents told me so) that in elementary school I ate a white kaiser bun with cream cheese for lunch every day for an entire school year. I like a lot of different types of food, but I’ve always been able to eat the same thing on repeat for days at a time. So yes, now I don’t have the metabolism of an 8-year-old and have swapped bread and cheese for salad and tofu, but I can go weeks without switching up my lunch choices.
Also courtesy of my parents I have 26 recipe books lining my top shelf (You know, the shelf I intentionally can’t reach) all in MINT condition. Although none of them are my desired, “Recipes you can cook in 5 minutes or less using a maximum of 6 ingredients and one pot” I still plan on diversifying a little this year. To like…2 pots.
Talk about progress!
2. Take more photos
I love photos; sometimes I’m even an adult and throw them in trendy rustic wooden frames. But I also have to be in the right state of mind to actually want to be IN photos (see: slightly drunk with freshly washed hair). Not this year kids. Life moves fast and I’m starting to have a terrible damn memory, so photos it is, greasy hair and all.
3. Purchase new PJs
Sure I know my boyfriend likes me and still occasionally find me attractive, but I’m not doing myself any favors when I come to bed wearing my brother’s old 1987 t-shirt with a massive picture of Daffy Duck playing baseball on the back and XL sweat pants. No one wants to have sex with that. I’m never going to be some silk or lace girl, but I think I can definitely aim to sleep in something my size and from this decade.
4. Refrain from getting to know take-out delivery men on a first name basis
In 2016, I’m going to try and hold onto some of the deep-seeded shame I felt with the same Hurrier delivery guy came to my house twice over the course of 5 hours. I’m programmed to love people who give me food, but this year I need to remind myself that the 19-year-old delivering Mexican at 1am is not my best friend, even if I loudly and forcefully declare him to be.
5. Watch every 2016 Oscar nominated best movie
This is an easy one to bang out before the first quarter of the year is even done. I never get around to watching all the films, and there are always about 3 that I cast aside as being too bleak or too obscure. My movie brain needs some bells and whistles. So every year I watch the Oscars and say things like, “Helen Mirren was in HOW MANY movies this year?!” and “This show requires more Zac Efron.” Not this year folks! I’ve already sat through 3 hours of walking and grunting courtesy of Leo and The Revenant (which I can only assume will be nominated), so I’m on my way to Oscar gold!
6. Replace all of your glassware with copper mugs
No reason for this, it just bound to look fucking cool.
7. Buy some new workout gear
Sure, there’s something to be said for not looking like you care too much at the gym (i.e. Everyone on King West), but when my wardrobe consists of what would now be considered the LuLu Lemon Vintage line and Puma running shoes from whenever they actually still made Puma running shoes (I’m ball-parking somewhere around 2001), then something’s gotta change.
8. Stop feeling tempted to get into impassioned debates with people on the Internet
Good GOD there are some idiots out there, just trolling the internet, saying idiotic ignorant things, trying to pick fights. And sometimes I almost want to feed into it (The Starbucks red cup debate is one example of when I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut). But responding to these idiots actually gives their arguments more validity, and all they do is scream the same nonsense louder, most likely all in caps and with little proper punctuation or adherence to proper grammar..
So this year, I’m just going to chalk them up to the vocal minority and social media as the evil tooth that gives their ignorance a platform. I will remember that they are most likely inbred, enjoy the company of clowns, are cruel to small animals, ask their Yoda bobble heads for real life advice, and dress in Avatar outfits on Tuesday’s “just for fun.”
9. Taste things before you slather them entirely in hot sauce
I don’t think I know what food tastes like anymore, but I assume some foods have a flavor that can be described as something other than “heat” or “fire.”
10. Buy more mason jars
I already have a shit ton, so why not buy more. I’m going to put them everywhere. I’ll drink from some of them, paint others and use them as vases, use others to store my black Hipster soul, put string lights in others and BAM, homemade perma-candles. Mason jars are trendy, cheap ways to tell people “Welcome to my home, I like Pinterest, Urban Outfitters, man buns and wearing toques and scarves indoors.” Sorry guys, you’re going to be super jealous of my strong container game.
11. Live life offline once and awhile
For this new gig I’ve been working on at a tech company, I had to do some research on millennials and their relationship with technology. Blah blah yadda yadda, point is, in doing so I stumbled across an Entrepreneur article that stated that millennials check their phone on average, 43 times a day. And I remember first thinking, “Huh, that actually seems pretty low” and then thinking, “You have become a sick sick human Emma Gillies.”
We treat our phones like extensions of ourselves- like limbs- and I am no exception. So I’m not going to do anything too dramatic like delete Instagram or remove myself from Facebook (how would I ever find out when people’s birthday’s are?) but I do plan on making a valiant effort to not have checking my phone be the knee-jerk reaction every time I am bored or lonely. Like really Emma, put that thing away and chill.the.fuck,out.
12. Stop saying the following things to your boyfriend:
“You haven’t posted a photo of the two of us in like 3 weeks. Is something wrong?”
“Is that seriously how you chew?”
“I’m going to light that **insert novelty sweater, hat, tank top, ratty housecoat** on fire if you wear in one more time.”
“Those are definitely not the song lyrics. Literally not even a little bit close.”
“Are you watching Braveheart/The Bourne Identity AGAIN?”
13. Make more time for friends
I’d like to think my post on “Hopes for my friends” made is clear how much I love and value my friendships. But last year was a real lesson in self-improvement, then self-pity, then self-realization, a little more self-pity, then finally somewhere in there, self-satisfaction. The point is I spent a whole chunk of 2015 concentrating on me.
So friends, this year get ready for some intense smothering. I’m going to text you at all hours, send you Britney Spears wisdom gifs to keep you motivated, tell your significant others they don’t deserve you, crawl into your beds while you sleep so you can wake up to my smiling face, buy you kittens you don’t want but are forced to raise and house for 14 years, and surprise you while you’re in the shower with a Justin Bieber karaoke sing-along.
2016 is going to be so cute. BFFS4LIFE
14. Wherever you travel this year, find an infinity pool and take a picture in it
Sure I’m going to pretend to look out spontaneously over the horizon like I don’t know someone is taking a picture of my back, and you’re going to know I’m full of shit, but you’re going to like it anyway, because infinity pools are the copper mugs of water bodies – everyone just loves them.
15. Empty the recycling bin every once and awhile
I probably won’t actually succeed in doing this because for whatever reason my body seems to reject the movement of glass and cardboard from one location to another. But I can at least try to not overload the recycling bin and then break into long, loud boats of laughter when my boyfriend opens the cupboard and everything spills onto the floor.
Baby steps people.
Happy New Year everyone! Wishing you all a year of happiness, laughter, copper appliances and pools with wicked views. Cheers!
Vodka taught me how to dance 