So aside from this little personal blog of mine, I have spent a notable portion of the last 6 months partaking in a little freelance side gig for the Toronto-based lifestyle blog Narcity. And if I could narrow my experience there down to one lesson about today’s readership, it’s this:
People LOVE lists.
I mean, it seems almost pointless to write anything these days that falls into the dreaded territory of “multiple paragraphs.” We’re talking single sentences; maybe a flashy picture or an animated gif and then you change it all to font size 20, tip your hat and consider it a job kind-of well done. Unless we commit ourselves to an actual book, our daily reading these days amounts more to the “skimming” or “browsing” of brief news articles, tweets and those ever so poignant Instagram poems.
And it makes THIS blog writing look like I’m trying to succeed in completing the online version of War and Peace.
But here’s the thing about lists. Sure, I too find myself delving into the, “Top 10 Free Date Spots in the City” or, “Top 15 Unique Toronto Brunches” and I enjoy a good search of excellent rooftop patios or a step-by-step guide to a DIY floral crown, but if someone could get on writing THESE lists I think it would make all our lives a little bit easier:
1.Top 10 tricks to acknowledge ONLY the people you know on the street and not accidentally enthusiastically greet that human you definitely only recognize through creeping their profile on Instagram.
2. Top 10 ways to tell if he/she is really that into you that only has one list item and it’s: 1) If you’re reading this, you already know the answer, now please stop with the Googling and go get your freak on with someone new (OK, consider this list complete).
3. Top 10 Apps you can download that will immediately de-friend anyone who uses the words “Bae” or “Fuckboy” off of all forms of social media.
4. Top 10 bars in Toronto that you never have to worry about running into your ex’s new significant other.
5. Top 10 grocery stores in your area that have line-ups of 72 people or less on a Sunday afternoon.
6. Top 10 things to eat drunk at 3am that will be as satisfying as pizza but won’t have you waking up feeling like you’ve had an incredibly active one-night stand with food.
7. Top 10 full meal recipes that use three bowls or less.
8. Top 10 tricks to make your body look normal in photos rather than like your arms and legs have simultaneously become pregnant with twin burritos.
9. Top 10 daily throw away lines you can use to make it seem like you definitely watched and paid close attention to last night’s football/basketball/baseball/hockey game.
10. Top 10 Netflix recommendation websites for couples so you and your significant other don’t have a FULL ON domestic an hour deep into trying to choose a movie.
11. Top 10 ways to tell if you really have to wash your hair day or if you can get away with not doing it until tomorrow.
12. Top 10 TTC routes that you’re least likely to find someone standing next to you loudly consuming a granola bar while that she-devil Katy Perry blasts on his or her earphones.
13. Top 10 places to work out where the clientele is good looking enough to be motivating but not so fit that you cower in the fitting rooms surrounded by abs with a single tear running down your cheek.
14. Top 10 Brunch spots that are still brunch prices and not that of an elaborate 11am steak dinner.
15. Top 10 cures for a weekend bender that don’t involve you getting out of bed, or moving, or breathing heavily, or lifting your arms.
16. Top 10 ways to kindly tell your boyfriend you’re going to have an aneurysm if he doesn’t start hanging the wet bathmat up after he’s showered in the morning so you don’t passive aggressively bury it in a Top 20 list 😉
17. Top 10 ways to save money (Yep, that’s a serious one. I need someone to tell me how because right now one of my savings accounts is a MASON JAR guys! WITHOUT A LID!)
18. The Top 10 things you suddenly and shockingly find yourself caring about when you become an adult because I’m tired of feeling alone in my sudden obsession with throw pillows, shoe racks and having all the coat hangers in my closet match.
19. The Top 10 items/dressings/sauces to put on your salad to mask the taste of salad.
20. Top 10 cures for the most real, highly contagious and debilitating disease of the 21st Century: FOMO
So if anyone wants to get on writing these, that would be exceptionally helpful to my overall existence. Anyone?….Bueller?
E.
Vodka taught me how to dance 