RANDOMNESS IS KEY SO HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT ME (also that rhymes so BOOM! I’m a poet).

1. It can take me anywhere between 30 minutes and 3 hours to get ready on any given day, and I’m still unsure of the cause for this huge chasm in time.

2. I can say with absolute certainty however, that it has something to do with the fact that I have never EVER, “Woke up like this.”

3. I have applied Vaseline to my lips at a minimum 6 times a day for the last 15 years. I am fairly certain if there was a worldwide shortage of petroleum jelly, my lips no longer no how to lubricate themselves and would shrivel up and be absorbed by my gums.

4. I like the idea of baths but hate the practice of them. I attempt to reconnect with my bath once a year and within 20 minutes get so overheated I feel like I’m going to throw up or pass out.

5. I’m 30 years old and I feel like Taylor Swift just gets me.

6. I have an illogical hatred for anyone who puts a MapMyRun post on any form of social media. WE GET IT, YOU MOVE FASTER AND FURTHER THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN.

7. I only like photos of myself that I take when I’m drunk. Sober I always look like I am posing next to a cousin that I have an inappropriate crush on and am thinking way too much about where to place my limbs.

8. My favorite movie is the Princess Bride and although now I like it because I find it terribly romantic and funny, I’m pretty sure as a kid I liked it simply because I thought Andre the Giant looked like he would give really great hugs.

9. Doing squats at the gym always makes me feel way too self-aware and I almost always blush.

10. I live with the best dude in the world who still hasn’t figured out how to turn off a light or close a cupboard.

11. I’ve never wanted to get married. I wasn’t born with that girl gene that dreams of investing a year of her life to plan one day. When I try to engage in wedding conversations with my girlfriends, I feel like a malfunctioning robot; about 3 minutes in centerpiece talk, sparks start flying as I loudly exclaim, “Does not compute!”

12. That being said, I have been talked into many things I said I’d never do. So IF I am one day tricked into that this they call wedded bliss, you’d better BELIEVE my friends are throwing me a Bachelor party over a Bachelorette. If anyone thinks I am marking my journey into lifelong monogamy with a penis straw and some form of pink sash they are highly mistaken. If I don’t wake up in jail in an unknown city, lying next to a 40-year old stripper named Kandy Kane, charged with some form of public indecency and zero memory of all events I am going to be REALLY pissed.

13. I have the best parents in the entire world and I say that without an ounce of sarcasm or insincerity. My only hope is that my father never reads any of this because I’m fairly certain he still operates under the misguided belief that I am a proper lady rather than an offside chick with the mouth of a sailor. Sorry Dad.

14. I’ve always wanted to adopt, both because I have seen the difference in a child’s life, and also because I feel like I’d be a way better mom if my stomach to ass ratio remained consistent over time.

15. I used to cry during EVERY episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Those three siblings with cancer whose entire family died in a freak tobogganing accident really deserve that 8000 square foot mansion OK?!?

16. I have been a vegetarian for 19 years, and yes, I do catch myself saying, “I was a vegetarian before it was cool.”

17. I have a gluten intolerance but refuse to admit it aloud as the very idea of being a vegetarian with a gluten allergy is enough to make me want to sucker punch myself (so I can’t imagine how people trying to dine with me at restaurants would feel).

18. I actually have a gluten intolerance, I’m not just saying that because I want an excuse to not eat bread. If I liked baths I would cheerfully bathe in a tub of complex carbohydrates.

19. If I had three wishes, there is a strong possibility I would waste one on wishing I looked better in hats.

20. My most irrational fear is of wet food left in the sink drain. Just writing about it made me gag involuntarily.

21. I have undying love for all things music. Lacking talent myself I have settled for a life-long obsession with the hunt for new music and solid live acts. For some, scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. For me, it’s always been sound. I could tell my entire life story through songs of the past.

 

    Life is a mixtape. Welcome to mine.